ApLOLalypse Now

Occasionally, I'll chat with somebody on Facebook or Gmail or whatever. I don't chat a bunch. In fact, the last word I'd use to describe me is "chatty". But when I'm talking to a friend that I thought I knew and they suddenly spring the dreaded L-bomb on me, they become a complete stranger.

And no, I don't mean 'love'. Or 'lymph node cancer'. I mean 'LOL'. Or 'lol'.

These people are blissfully ignorant on how bullshit this is. So let me help.

First off, I used to write 'lol' all the time during chats. This was years ago when I was much dumber than I am now. But here's the kicker. When I was typing 'lol' during conversation or a post about a muffin I thought about buying, I actually wasn't laughing. Now that I think of it, half the time I wasn't even smiling.

It wasn't until I was talking to my buddy Craig that I realized what I was doing was no different than say, what dumb people were doing.

Now, before you get all insulted and everything, I'm not saying that only dumb people use 'lol'. I'm just saying that none of my smart friends do.

Here's my idea of who uses 'lol':

- Teens, Tweens, and Sheens

- Drug Addicts (see: Sheens)

- Illiterates

- Shitheads

- Social Elites

- Drunkards

- Really Old People Whose Grandkid Told Them What 'LOL' Stands For

- Racists

- NASCAR Web Engineers

- People Who Haven't Grasped What The Internet Does Or What It's For

- People Who Haven't Been Told How Stupid It Comes Off As

- Your Relatives

- People Who Aren't On The Internet As Much As I Am

- Humourless People

- Others

Remember, this is just my personal list. I've yet to actually embark on a survey to figure this out. But if you want to get a good idea of who uses 'lol' regularly, just search it on Twitter. What comes up is a shocking amount of unfunny things. Things that no human should laugh out loud about. Are you doing this? It's a fucking asylum! Here's an ACTUAL example:

"Alicia keys needs to go on tour soon lol haven't seen her in like 2 years"

Wow. Someone call the William Morris Agency! I think we just found the latest Oscar Wilde over here.

Now listen. I have friends who use 'LOL'. Some good friends. And I consider them intelligent. But when I chat with them, and they 'lol' at something, I'm thinking, "Whoa. What's up?" It's a social stigma. It's like smoking. Or public defecating. It's something that a lotta people do and are addicted to it. They don't know how else to convey that something -- or NOTHING -- is funny.

LOL is the new 'love'. Or 'hate'. It's just an expression. It can mean nothing or something. It's powerless. Ineffectual. Pointless. Insincere. DUMB.

Think of it. Could you imagine Albert Einstein in this day and age, tweeting: "Just figured out the theory of relativity, lol!" No! He was a genius! It doesn't make sense!

How about this: "Just dropped my gf's Blackberry in the toilet, lol!"

You see what I'm getting at here?

And what's with people who lol with a question mark? Who laughs inquisitively? Or a period. "Going to Des Moines. LOL."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

Picture someone with a blank face, laughing humourlessly. That's what it is. Creepy, weird, dumb.

Knock it off. Get an education. Learn basic skills.

And to the ROFLMAOs, are you really doing that? Are you rolling on the floor with your laptop, typing this stupid abbreviation?

You might wonder, "Well, how else am I going to let my friend know that I'm not laughing at what they said? Oh, wait. Never mind. Gotcha."

See? You are smart. You figured it out.

"What if I'm really laughing?!"

If somebody says something that's funny, why not just tell them that you're laughing? "I'm laughing so hard right now." Or even a shorter: "So funny." Guess what? When someone says that to me, I believe 'em. When someone says 'lol', it's total insincerity.

We're addicted to LOL. It should be LWJ. Laughing Without Joy.

Knock it off. Stop LOLing and start laughing out loud.

Peace.